I’m 27 and still a virgin.
That is hard for a lot of people to understand. Sometimes I find it hard to believe myself.
I stayed a virgin in high school because I was gay and couldn’t bring myself to have sex with any of the few girls that I dated because, well, I didn’t want to. I was in the closet so I couldn’t have sex with and of the few out gay guys at my school. Also, I wasn’t attracted to any of them.
I graduated high school in 2008 so, smart phones were not really a thing yet. The iPhone had just been released in 2007 and they were way to expensive for any high schooler to own. We all had Razrs or Slvrs (that’s what I had) and Grindr wasn’t compatible with those. I don’t even think Grindr had been invented yet, honestly.
After moving out of my parents house in rural Texas, I moved to Denton, Texas for college. My eyes were opened to all sorts of different people. Gay, straight, bisexual, transgender, non-binary, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Atheist, Wiccan, ect… You name it, you could find it in Denton. That’s why I loved Denton so much. No one gave a fuck what you were as long as you weren’t a dick.
A few months after I moved into my apartment, I downloaded Grindr on my iPad (I was the last person on the face of the earth to get a smartphone). I talked to a lot of guys. I got asked if I was looking more times than I can count. I even traded pictures with several different people. It’s actually scary to think of how many people may actually still have access to picture of my penis.
Usually, when people would ask if i was looking, I would tell them I wasn’t at the moment and come up with an excuse for not wanting to. I remember once being asked if I wanted to have sex by this particularly nice looking guy in my apartment complex. After I had told him I wasn’t interested in having sex with him, I tried to just chat with him. He quickly blocked me and I have never spoken to him again.
I managed to get all the way through college without penetration. It has been almost 3 years since college and I still haven’t managed to get it in (or have someone get it in me). It’s something that has embarrassed me but I have finally pin-pointed the reason.
I can get drunk and make out, jerk or suck a stranger and not think much of it. But, if I’m going to actually have sex with them, I NEED to trust them. I have to trust them because, if I am going to sleep with them, I will be giving them permission to do whatever they want to me (as long as it doesn’t involve cutting or shitting). I wont care wether I am topping or bottoming as long as the person I am doing it with is getting pleasure. Instead of getting pleasure from the act of sex itself, knowing my mate is enjoying himself will be the main thing that brings me pleasure.
Anyway, that’s what I recently realized about myself and why I am still a virgin. Sex is the way I am going to show that special guy how much I love him. Having sex with someone I don’t have feeling for just wouldn’t feel right.