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Norway

My sister and I took a trip to Trondheim, Norway last month. Truly a beautiful country.

norway

I enjoyed seeing all the snow. Something I don’t get to see very ofter living in Texas. Everything was white. There was always a nip in the air. I appreciated that. It seemed to keep me more awake and alert. I’m always tired here in Texas.

We stayed with a friend of my sister’s at their apartment in Trondheim. Her friend had been a foreign exchange student at my sisters high school (My high school too but, I had long since graduated). Her and my sister had kept in touch and my sister finally got the courage to travel across the world to visit. Luckily, she asked me to join her.

thegang

We visited a small town called Røros. A quaint little town. A town one would imagine a town in Norway to look. The houses were all connected but painted different bright colors. They lined a narrow, winding road that was covered in a layer of snow. They all had the most interesting doors too. There were even post cards that featured some of the doors. I wish I had thought to take a few pictures of some of the doors.

roros

While staying in Røros, we stayed with a family that raised sledding dogs. You know, like the ones in the movie Balto. They even took us out sledding.

After sledding, the couple invited us over to their home for homemade rolls and coffee. We stayed for four hours talking with them about Texas, Norway and the election in the USA. After talking to them about the election, I have come to the conclusion that most Europeans are not fans of Trump. Can’t say I blame them.

I was surprised at how welcoming they were to perfect strangers. i do know that I am definately sending them a Texas postcard though. Preferably one with bluebonnetts on it.

dog-sledding

When we arrived back in Trondheim, we got to try cross country skiing. I’m glad I got to experience cross country skiing but, I think I will stick to down hill skiing. It’s much less exhausting.

On our last night in Trondheim, we went to a restaurant inside of a tower that spun so we could see the whole town. The view was beautiful but the food… I’ve had better.

It was really hard to leave. Not only because I wanted to stay and live in Norway but it was also hard to wake up the morning we had to fly out. We had to wake up at 3:30 am so we could be at the bus stop at 4:30 am so we could make our 6 am flight out.

The journey home was the longest journey of my entire life. We had horrible seats on our flight from Amsterdam to Minneapolis. Then we had to wait an extra 3 hours in Minneapolis because our flight back to Texas was canceled. By the tie we finally arrived back in Texas, we had been either on a plane or in an airport for over 24 hours.

Now that I have a passport, I hope to visit a lot more countries as well as make another trip to Norway during the summer. My sister’s friend said Norway was much different in the summer.

This Useless Heart

I was supposed to go on a date Sunday.

It didn’t happen. I wanted it to happen and I was disappointed that it didn’t happen but I can’t say that I was surprised. People seem to lose interest so easily…

I try not to take it personally. I know it can’t be just me. After all, these guys don’t even know me. They only see whats on my okCupid/Match profile. I do wonder why these guys suddenly drop off the face of the earth though.

Take the guy I was supposed to go out with on Sunday for instance. I hit him up on okCupid. He responded. We had a somewhat interesting conversation. I asked him if he wanted to hangout sometime. He asked for my phone number. We hashed out the details of the date over text. I fell asleep around 10 and when I responded to a text he sent after I fell asleep, I got no response.

this_useless_heartIt wasn’t until I messaged him again on okCupid and asked if I had done anything to annoy him that he actually texted me back saying, “No you didn’t annoy me. I’m just bad at texting.”

Okay… Thanks. You weren’t so bad at texting the night before when we were planning a date.

I guess He wasn’t a keeper. I wish I wasn’t such a hopeless romantic. Maybe if my pessimistic outlook on dating would stay intact when I start talking to a guy, I wouldn’t get so butt-hurt when he stops talking to me for no fucking reason. It doesn’t work that way though. I always get my hopes up.

“How Are You True”


My anxiety seems to be particularly bad recently. I don’t know if it as to do with the amount of sleep I got last night or the stress of changing jobs.

I worry people don’t like me. I know there must be something about me people like because I manage to keep the friendships I have. I struggle with making new friends. There must be something about me that strangers and acquaintances don’t like.

I have trouble getting 2nd and 3rd dates. I worry about texting the guy after the date. All sorts of thoughts run through my head.

Voices in my Mind

  • Should I wait for them to text me first?
  • If they don’t text me, does that mean they don’t like me?
  • Did they only follow me back on Instagram because it was the nice thing to do?
  • Is it weird I like a their newest photograph after they followed me back?
  • Can they tell my insecurities can be crippling sometimes?
  • Do they roll their eyes when I decide to finally text them almost 48 hours after our last text conversation?
  • Is it bad I initiated the conversation?
  • Why do I always have to be the one to initiate the conversation?
  • Why do I always have to be the one to ask for the 2nd date or to hangout again?
  • Why do the dates I get asked on always fall through?
  • Why cant I stop caring?
  • Why cant I stop thinking about places I would go with my partner if I was in a relationship?
  • Why cant I stop wondering if that one person I am talking to is the one I am going to end up with?
  • Why cant I stop expecting to find him?

I always end up feeling worse when it doesn’t work out and it never works out. It never has.

I have never been in a relationship. I don’t think I will be in one anytime soon either.

Sometimes I think I should just stop looking. I should stop looking and start sleeping around. People seem to have fun and they don’t get upset when things don’t work out. They don’t get upset because they don’t want things to work out. They want sex and nothing else. They get some and they are over it. I want to be over it.

“Come on Let’s Go”

 

You won’t find it by yourself

You’re gonna need some help
And you won’t fail with me around
Come on let’s go

I will tell you if you change
And who’s been saying things
It’s hard to tell who is real in here
Come on let’s go

You know who to turn to
Now everything’s changed
Come on, lets go
Stop looking for answers
In everyone’s face
Come on let’s go

What’s the point in wasting time
On people that you’ll never know
Come on let’s go

When you’re looking for a friend
But it’s empty at the end
When everybody’s disappeared
You won’t be alone

If you want I’ll compensate
If you overestimate
So there’s nothing left to fear
You won’t be alone
You know who to turn to
Now everything’s changed
Come on let’s go
Stop looking for answers
In everyone’s face
Come on let’s go

What’s the point in wasting time
On people that you’ll never know
Come on let’s go

A while back I was listening to a random playlist on Spotify and this song started playing.

It really had an effect on me. I felt like the lead singer was speaking to me like she knew me.

Hot As Hell

Just when I thought June really couldn’t get any worse, it went and got worse.

On June 28th around 6:30 pm our house was stuck by lightening FOUR TIMES (according to some weather specialist hired by the insurance company).

My mother was recovering from a double mastectomy she had had only 5 days prior. It really couldn’t have come at worse time. Although, house fires don’t ever come at a good time.

The house is a total loss. The entire attics caught fire and colapsed on the inside of the house.

Red River 2016

Every year, the last weekend in June, my family goes to Red River, New Mexico and meets my dads side of the family from Oklahoma.

This year, the trip couldn’t come fast enough. The stress of a new job, student loans to pay and family trouble was really getting to me. It was nice to get away for a weekend and enjoy the outdoors. 

Here are the photos from my trip. 

June, GO AWAY!

What a shitty month. I swear it’s like one blow after another. Well, really there has only been 2 blows. They were big and rather low blows. Like someone kicked me right in the balls! 

Two weeks ago my mom called and told me she has breast cancer. Seriously? This can’t be happening. I’ve had nightmares about my mother getting cancer but this time it’s not a dream. 

Needless to say, I didn’t take it well. The word “cancer” scares the shit out of me. I don’t know what it is. I have a special bond with my mother. Maybe it’s a gay thing. Maybe gay guys just really love their moms. 

I ended up calling into work Saturday, driving home and spending the day with my mom. I held it together most of the day. Then when we were in Starbucks in Target, I fell apart. I started crying in front of everyone. It wasn’t my proudest moment. I’m not really a cryer. Especially when I am in a public setting. Oh well, it was the Burleson Target.

Then there was Sunday. Orlando. 

I’m still not sure how I feel about the whole situation. I honestly feel a bit numb. It’s hard to fathom being in the situation the victims were in. It’s scary to think it could have been me. 

I don’t go to gay clubs much. In fact, I have actually never been to one. I’m sure at least one of those victims was someone who had never been to Pulse before. I’m sure one of them was just checking out the scene. Maybe they had never even been to a gay club before but they decided to go on that night. 

It makes me afraid to go to S4 in Dallas or Rainbow Lounge in Fort Worth. A deranged lunatic could just as easily go to one of those bars. Or any bar. I’m afraid to go to Dallas Pride now. I’ve never been but now I’m not sure it’s safe to go. There are so many things I feel I missed out on when I was in the closet and now that I am out I am too scared to go. 

I worry it’s only going to get worse before it gets better. And how long will it take for things to get better after they get worse? Will it be in my lifetime? I guess only time will tell but I’m growing impatient. 

Please Like Me

Please_Like_Me
I have this insecurity that makes me want / need to be liked by everyone I come in contact with. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s some kind of fucked up tick that just comes from growing up gay and being judged for it (even when I was too young to be attracted to males or females).

Recently I went through my followers on Instagram. Which, in hindsight, was a very terrible idea. I looked at people I follow and the people that follow me back. I unfollowed the ones I don’t keep in contact with. While I was looking at my followers I realized a few people had unfollowed me. This shouldn’t seem like a big deal. People follow and unfollow people everyday. In fact, that is exactly what I was doing.

When I realized these two people had unfollowed me, it made me strangely upset. More upset than I would ever let anyone know. I tried not to take it too personally. After-all, the people who unfollowed me are two sister. Two sisters who can be, well, extremely snooty. I’ve seen the way they talk about other people behind their backs and I can’t help but worry they talk the same about me behind my back.

I find it a bit funny that it bothers me at all that two people like them have unfollowed me. I mean, if I’m going to be honest, I don’t even like them. I never really have.  So, why do I want them to like me so much? Why do I want them to invite me to their gatherings like they used to? The gatherings I dreaded going to. The gatherings that made me feel like I was going to pass out from restraining my giant eye rolls.

I think its just because I love to be liked. I can’t win them all though. Sometimes, as time goes on, I even lose the ones I won before. And that’s okay.

I’m Insane!

I'm_InsaneThey say insanity is when you do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. I guess that makes me insane.
I’m not sure what it is about Grindr that is so appealing to me but it’s a bit sickening.
I gave up on trying to find a boyfriend on Grindr. I figured if I am not happy alone, I won’t be happy in a relationship. I started using Grindr to find friends. I know that sounds a bit strange using a “hookup” app to find friends WITHOUT benefits but it’s not the easiest thing to find like minded gay men. I don’t exactly walk around with a giant rainbow flag. I’m not like those god damn rednecks who drive around with confederate flags.
Anyways, Grindr has turned out to be just as bad for finding friends as it is for finding boyfriends. Who could have possibly guessed?!
I just think it would be nice to find some like minded to talk to. People don’t want to talk though. They just want to get fucked.
Okay, my rant is over. This one anyway.